mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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