You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
