Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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