R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Do vagina's smell?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize