I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
a search helicopter?!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
