You really coming over, don't trick.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
