I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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