Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
