I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize