well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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