so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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