you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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