never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
