I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
