take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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