What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
