She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize