you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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