I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
