Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
