I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I want a musical about memes.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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