Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
