You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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