i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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