she woke up with a sticky ear
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
