Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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