You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
