If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
