I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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