You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Acid is not a monday night drug
Farmville is her only friend.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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