You're my little dorito
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
