I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
