I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
