Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize