Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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