it hurts more in the daytime
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
