So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Houston, we have a squirter
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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