yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
