She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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