Me too!
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
