he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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