Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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