I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
