At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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