dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
