i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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