I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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