I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Text me some of your sweat
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
