I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
True strength comes from lack of pants
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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