I have surprise drugs for everyone
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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