I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
