there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
