I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize