If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
