I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize