i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
